woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
