Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
