you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
