My friends, they love my intelligence
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
