Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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