he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
