She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
