You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
