Pants 0. Shit 1.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
