Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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