last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
