If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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