Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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