he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
