You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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