She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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