I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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