he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
