I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize