I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
