Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
