I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
