I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
