I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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