Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
