remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
