What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I got inside last night via doggy door
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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