I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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