I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
