I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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