can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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