I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
