i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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