Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
