Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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