i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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