I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
