either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
