I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
