Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
