we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
