Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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