Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
