Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
