Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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