I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
