It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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