ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
