finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
