Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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