I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
