i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
