Having a random hookup so left but love u
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The uberlube is also flammable
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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