Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
