just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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