Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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