Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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