Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Actions speak louder than pants.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
